Why did it take so long to find your touch?

Oh love of mine , why did it take so long to find your touch?
Hope was never lost- even thought it took so long to find you.
You grasped my finger in your tiny hand - and i knew instantly
I knew i was loved
Because i have loved you since from the moment when-
Since time began-
And you have filled my heart.

27/07/2010.

Dear Nephew, 

Finally you opened your eyes to the new world. These months past you were safe in your mothers belly. And now we got to see your lovely face I remember in January when your mother and I were carjacked and all she could think about was you. Me? I was sitting on you (I was scared shitless)And I was like, 'don't hurt the baby , she's pregnant. So they didn't harm us and the three of us drove like mad We were thankful to God and mummy kept rubbing her stomach.

When I first saw you- 12 weeks and you were moving your hands, it felt surreal and I of course mentioned that you were a boy by the size of your head. I said it looked like Colin's head. Fix you by Cold play was playing at the doctors and I said I'd always remember that moment. 

I'd always remember it- and now 8 months later , you're finally here And all I can say is that I have loved you Before time began-

A-lacking.

You are too short on manners
Too reliant on charm
Too vain with your beauty
You have become a one man show of self-flattery and egoism
Too short on masculine muscle
Too prolonged on hedonistic interests
Your taste is too desultory -
A- LACKING
Exposing your self-centered nature will not help
I am liberated from your culture of egoism.

All I ask of a man is an extensive fertile mind and a good heart.

Sometimes as you quest for love , you kiss many frogs
And sometimes it's like playing darts
You have a target that you are aiming at
That isn't exactly the bull's eye
And one such a person who thinks himself heaven
And claims to be worshiped by many a stupider girl
Will say , 'I go from girl to girl' look how they adore me,'
And unfortunately my target was on Mr.Thor
Oh , he was not my Romeo
I like my men with a little humility and reason and the cherry on top would be maturity
I always find you can avoid such scenarios with older men
Provided you're not leeching on them
You were not the target i was aiming at
But you had to mention your talents with women
Very tasteful-
I like a boy somewhere
He is an individual and not a group
He doesn't look like Adonis
But he has the mind of a fox and the manners of a lamb
He is sweet and kind
I have always respected him , and you Oh Mighty Thor could not compare to my
ADONIS.

Once a man told me he was a brutal honest.

Once a man told me he was a brutal honest
With such certainty he said it-
I almost believed that he was
But i didn't
See, ive learnt that people not only men lie
They not only lie to others but more so themselves
It is sadder to lie to yourself
He lives a life , where he is not afraid to tell the truth
The truth of course for any man is 'relative'
Be careful to always ask the exact parameters of this truth
The unbiased , objective truth
He said once that he was never afraid to say the truth
I know that to be the biggest lie of all
For once wouldn't you rather hear something else
Lie after lie on lie
No , you are not a brutal honest
You are a self-deceiver , and a cheater
I would think twice , if i were you
Before i said anything untrue
We wouldn't want that , would we?
I know no man who is a brutal honest
If ever there was such a man ,
He would be a fierce-some thing to behold!

Youthful Idealism.

Ernest Hemingway wrote:
If you are lost-
It is only because you chose
Illusion over reality.
And because of this subtle statement
I decided to be a level-headed , rational individual
Of course the thing about theories is that they must be tested out
Along came a boy
At 21 everyone drinks cause drinking is fun and everybody does it
At 21 you become a sucker for conformity
And anyone should not wanna miss out on all the fun
I know i wouldn't
So my fervor mixed with my youthful idealism coupled with curiosity
Lead me there , and i would later be lost
And as Hemingway would have it , i chose illusion
Im not really sorry for the experiences Ive had
Some painful , some happy some in-between
But i thought real-life was fiction and that fiction was real life
Because my real-life involves friendships that are true and protecting
I found out that it was revealing and gossipy
I thought boys who actually used the word love to refer to a girl guaranteed faithfulness-
I found out it meant he could have sex with whoever he wanted with no discrimination
The assumption is again that i am a rational human being
So , for pity's sake treat me like one
Self-justification is the more dignified way of saying self-deception
Which brings me back to illusion
I think i rather liked being a child
The connections you made then are genuine
Adults are just absolute children with no manners with no mummie to cane them
I may be alone , that's fine
But to be alone with realism is far more rewarding than to be
Surrounded with fallacy.

Emotional Education.

Here are your ABC's on attraction (if you are a girl)
1.Be as slutty as you can( the boys love it)
wink , wink.
2.Be catty , don't bother being gracious and polite , be mean to every
new girl that comes along.
3.Cheat. He's going to do it too , so why wait for him to do it.
Thumbs up!!!!!!
4.Don't be picky , there's no time to look for the handsome one get the rich one.
Double thumbs one!!!!
5.I don't know a five (should do more research)
Ladies , so far i can say ; what can is say? There are really no words that i could use to describe you and your idealism. But for now let me say , excellent!

Boys do you actually need ABC's??
You grow up and then you go to high-school and suddenly you're all programmed to be mindless pricks ,
When you are done in with high school , the training is complete and you can now proceed to being mindless perverted wanking pricks
A is for Ass-hole:

First what you do(if you are inexperienced) lie a lot. Girls go nuts when you lie.
Flatter , deceive seduce technique i would call it!!!Thumbs up.

B is for Bastard:

Get a trophy girl early in life( the one you've singled out from the rest)Now keep her on the side and mention this to prospective lovers. Use phrases like:
'I love her with every fiber of my heart.'
equally deceiving would be:
'you can have my body and not my heart.'
Do ya see the gay undertone of such statements!! I know i do-

C is for cut and run:
Like a soldier fast to conquer , fast to retreat.

Summary:
Giacomo Casanova the world's greatest seducer wrote a memoir about his life and he later on despised his vanity , lesson : stop being vain.
And if you're going to be that stereo-typed girl or boy at least (for propriety's sake)Show some originality and class , James Bond films don't make millions because he has sex with bond girls( i believe that's called a porno)
I hope this emotional education was helpful.

In abundance of water , fools thirst.

Boys? Boys? Boys?
Is life not enough?
The air to breath
The water to drink?
Nothing is enough for you , im afraid
You greed when food is in abundance
You thirst when water is in abundance
There is no remedy for you
No prayer or answer
Drink from the waters of the devil
Tastes so sweet , doesn't it ?
if you could drink from the fountains of say-
All the girls you knew
You quench hedonism . you thirst for blood
So you break hearts and ruin lives
And you consume evrything in your way
If you do not , you die
There is plenty of good water
But you do not care , for the sweet water
Do not dig yourself into hedonism
You may not come out-

my friend , where did she go?

I sure could use my friend right now
It's her i can let my feelings free
I never cared too much
She always , always made me laugh
We loved making jokes
We loved not being part of the cool crowd
We had each other

I can't find the girl i knew
Change is growth
Growth is irreversible
Where is she?
Not here
She's part of the cool crowd now
It hurts like needles to lose her

My tears will dry ,

My tears will dry , my wounds will heal
And every memory will vanish
The music will end , the guitar will be out of tune

And so day by day , it is so
I forget a little everyday
I can feel it , leaving

Time keeps passing by,
I tell myself : Be not anxious of the future
The future

My tears will dry , my wounds will heal
Time will pass
And you will be nothing in a distant memory.

I did what i did .

My errors and my faults are my own
I leave them to no one else
And so i did what i did.
Deed after deed.
And i have no title deed , to show for it
I wished i hadn't , wished i didn't
But i did ,
I can't create another universe
Where another parallel reality might exist
There isn't another parrallel reality
Where i didn't do it
And i can't go back
So , ill admit i was
Wrong , stupid , naive
So have a laugh now
But tomorrow i just might be the one causing you grief.

Three wishes.

If you had three wishes,
What would you wish for?
You can't buy true love
You can't interfere with free-will
What would you wish for?
Would you change
Knowing you had your own destiny in three
Three statements
Three phrases
Three sentences
Three wishes
Would you be vain
And ask what you think is valuable
When infact it is not
What would you wish for?

Truimph over the despair.

Sentimentality , is an artificial response
To what humans are capable
Humans are not dead
Robots do not live in their stead
They are capable of feelings , attachments , connections
Emotional relations to the environment he lives in
He does everything he is told by society , by peers
He thinks he 'thinks' for himself
But he does not ,
His behavior is pre-determined
And mine , even more so
The glory over the power of my unattachment
I have overcome this paralysis and i have achieved
Emotional growth without the contamination of sentimentality.
This emotional climate of the 21st century
Requires a more aggresive outlook to overcome this constipation.

Oh, cliche how you shine , how you glitter .

How did i get here?
I ask.
Time and again ,
I make faces , i beat myself up
How did i get here?
I had spent my whole life analyzing situations like these
Yet here i am!
The glitter of the cliche
The stereo-typed role
Of the girl in love
Love?
Hold on just a sec
Maybe not- but this feeling is as intense as love
Dudes , i don't get out of bed
Self-pity really keeps you in bed
And of course he's moving on with his life
In fact he's improving his life everyday
ME? well im sorta half-dead
Im a cliche
Move on ..
Easier said than done
Him?
He's lying on his back with tarts
Yes , that was plural
ME?
I was screwed up before he came along so nothing changes
Why?
Why do i care?
Answer: it's the glitter of the cliche
The life you've always wondered about
What if ...
Why not...
I got reeled in by tart man and i did not resist
Now im a cliche
Now im a mess
I can't function
Him?
He doesn't care if im alive or dead
OBJECTION!

Blackboard.

You wrote me out on a board
You put my name
You put my number
Any other details?
I don't know
But I was there
There written on the board
My name clearly spelt out
I was there . . .

A second later you grabbed the erasure
You held it in your hand
You started moving rigorously on the board
You rubbed me out
Quickly , you erased me
I was there . . .

Please tell me what I did wrong
I just trailed along
Caught up with your name on my board
When you started erasing
Heart break

Now I am erased , gone
Now that you are finished with me
Rubbed the blackboard clean
What now?


These may be just words
But your name in your heart
Why , should I ask
I gave my all to you
To do as you please
Your wish
My remand

Heart's a Mess. By Gotye.

Pick apart , the pieces of your heart
Let me peer inside ...
Let me in ...
Where only your thoughts have been
Let me occupy your mind
As you do mine ...

Oh , your heart's a mess!
You won't admit to it
It makes no sense
But im desperate to connect
And you . .
You can't live like this.

You have lost
Too much love , to fear doubt and distrust
Not enough
You just threw away the key
Don't get burned ,cause nothing lasts
Nothing makes it easier , easier on you
But that more difficult for me
To make you see . .

Love ain't fair , so there
There you are , my love

OH!
Your heart's a mess
You won't admit to it
It makes no sense
But im desperate to connect
And you . .
You can't live like this!

Love ain't safe
You won't get hurt
So you stay chaste
So you can wait
But i don't want to wait
I don't wanna to waste my love.

Blood.

In my heart perhaps , but it keeps beating
So your love did not kill my heart
In my mind, behind it often not
Where you are is in my bloodstream
I can feel you flowing in me
An irreversible event
That my heart , i can receive another
If you were written on it , erased somehow
My mind does not think of you constantly
There are other employments and activities
But my entire being is at your mercy
Whenever im near you , an effect that i cannot explain
My stomach knots , my palms sweaty , my mouth dry
My veins constricting , blocking air to my brain
I can't breathe ,
I feel your eyes burning in me , and i can't look at you
I feel your hands on me , and i can't look you in the eyes
Face to face , i feel exposed
I can't look at you
I think i might have been hazy , under the influence
I feel you flowing in me
If you cut me open , it will not help
If you cut out my heart , it will not help
I can feel you flowing in me ,
You are in my bloodstream.

Fingerprints.

Softly ,in the dusk a woman is singing
Suddenly , in the dark a man is flying
There is a meeting of minds
There will be a moment like this no other
The naked earth , that brought them forth
Their mother knowing it would lead to this very moment
Through lusty veins burning bright
The naked dark warmed by her face
The greatest wonder of heaven , to behold
Mortal we are born , hollow we become
Save for love , save for this
The garden , the grandeur of God
Only two can tell of the intricacies
The lumbering like horses at plough
The evening listens to the two lovers whispering
The night becomes strangely calm and the crickets chirp about
This is the hour that maids become maids no more
Something so clear as water , transparent
Ravish'd by his fingerprints
Gone is the earth she knew , stranger things to come
Painful too , the night is nighing
In the dark , they burn bright
In the light , he must be gone
He must be gone , the light reveals labour done at night
As the days lightens , slow by slow
He must go ,and gone is he
And weary , full of sleep after labour done
Morning makes her feel brand new, and she sleeps sweet
Fingerprints will be the reason
Always to be wide awake , sleepless

I hear such different accounts of you , as puzzle me exceedingly.

I do not know whether to trust you.
They breed and manufacture a certain brand of men these days.
I do not know whether to respect you.
They do things that would mortify any good woman.
And you?
What are you , the hungry heart , the greedy pig
Laying all you can put your hands on,
It is no concern of mine , too be honest
It's just that for once i wanted to be wrong.
I wasn't.
It's a pity.

On the otherside of the river.

On the other side of the river , there is merrymaking!
On the other side all your hedonistic fantasies shall come true
You many have as many ales , gins and beers that you want
You may carnal relations with numerous women
On the other side you enjoy the folly that is youth!

On this side of the river , there is confinement!
Here we believe in good , sacrifice and peace
You may give up the glitter of the cliche
You may see beyond now , and the shallow
You may be with very few , wait for the right one
On this side we work hard to enjoy life hereafter!

On the other side of the river , there is a boy.
And all his hedonistic fantasies are all coming true.
And on his side is continual , enjoyment.
How can he have room , for what he does not know?
For all he knows is pleasure and pleasure is hedonism.

On this side of the river , there is a girl.
And all her confinement did not pay off.
Trying to join the merry-makers , did not fit.
And eyeing one , and being heartbroken
Heartbreaks do not belong there , only women with loose ideals
And a boy like that belongs to them , belongs to that riverbank
And a girl like that deserves , more .

The silence is screaming.

Somewhere you are singing to me
The music is soothing
I loved hearing you sing
And now there is no music ,
No harp , no lute
When the music sounds are gone ,
In it's stead comes a terrible noise
Wherever i walk , wherever i go
There is no music
I cannot hear you singing to me
Tame this noise , that pierces so
But you are nowhere ,
You say nothing . . .
Softy , in the night i hear you singing to me
But i wake , and it was a dream
All those around me , say this say that
And this and that only noise to my ears
O these raging storms , raging seas
And i find relief in your voice .
It is so loud here without you .
Come back to me , and sing to me again.
For i cannot endure this silence forever.

Ridicule tries to befriend me.

It's on my mind .
I want it to go .
Yet i want it to stay grounded with me .
Fight after fight after fight .
I don't know anymore.
I break every time , im alone
I burn every time
Im smoldering in cold heat
If the heat doesn't get me , i fear the cold will
So i am neither burning or freezing to death
I try to think
I scold ,
I chant , i chant and chant some more
Sometimes i think i am being ridiculous
Having so much grief about a person
Who doesn't give two figs
Alive or dead , it wouldn't matter
Ridiculous!

why want something if it's not meant to be yours?

A quote by Bernard Shaw was that
'love is a gross exaggeration of one person from others.'
I think that it is pain ,
But i was mistook , pain is what you feel when the love is taken away
Love is the feeling , the moment , the words , the intention
The feeling was incredible , sweet and different
The moment was awkward to be sure , but unforgettable
The words were numerous , some hurt , some flattered , some just words
And after my experiment was over i was left feeling hollow
Strangely hollow , i discovered i was capable of feelings
It was no longer something i wondered about , i was there
It was a nightmare , it was painful , it was torture
And i was there all alone ,like i have been all my life
Being on my own doesn't scare me , no , not even a little
I'm scared of the lie , the cheating , the secrets , the hiding
And i saw you , you shook up my very structure
My entire belief system was out the window
And you completely composed , it's insulting
And i have no control of what i feel
Sometimes i struggle to contain my outbursts
But i can't , i find that my heart is unruly and won't listen
So i ask why want something if it's not meant to be mine?